For Your Funnybone

[SilverHamer]

I suppose that it is once again that time when we begin to see more politically-based jokes floating around with the Presidential Elections just around the corner. But just so you'll know, I try my best to be a-political, so this is not intended to make any particular statement on the personal level. I just thought this was funny...and I will post a non-political follow-up story which came to mind as I read this one.

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A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met , but, somehow, now it's my fault."

[SilverHamer]

One evening in the state of Washington there was a Bell 222 helicopter on a routine hospital transfer flight between Olympia and Seattle SETAC. Things were pretty well routine except that as they neared Seattle the weather began to deteriorate with dense ground fog. The aircraft was well equipped with GPS navigation and was fully certified for instrument flying...the Captain was a well-seasoned pilot who had great confidence in his aircraft as well as his own ability, so the atmosphere in the cockpit was fairly relaxed, but guarded.

About 15 minutes from their destination they experienced something that pilots had mostly talked about in the most hypothetical "there I was" stories...a complete electrical failure. This took out all of their communication and navigation capabilities, and with the weather rapidly deteriorating the situation had become quite critical. As they neared the city of Seattle the ground fog had become even more dense, and a course reversal back into mountainous terrain had become too dangerous, so the only option was to continue and try to locate SETAC.

As they continued in the general direction of their destination, the fog had formed into nothing but a sea of white cotton and by this time they could only see the tops of certain tall buildings sticking up out of the fog. The Captain decided to proceed toward a prominently tall building and brought his aircraft to a hover outside the windows of some offices near the top floor where he could see the lights and people working.

After a while, someone in one of the offices finally took notice of the helicopter hovering outside the window, and as he began pressing his face into the window glass to see, others in the office began gathering around him and looking out the window at the helicopter hovering hovering outside. The Captain instructed his co-pilot to make a sign on the back panel of one of their charts which said, "Where are we?"

As he held the sign up, illuminating it with a flashlight, everyone in the building pressed harder against the window to try to read it. After several moments one of the workers ran to his desk and wrote a sign which said, "You are in a helicopter," and held it against the window. The Captain grinned, looked at his chart, and turned the helicopter to a heading of 240 degrees. 5 minutes later he was making a fly-by of the SETAC control tower and was cleared to land with light gun signals.

After landing, the co-pilot was in utter disbelief and asked, "How in the hell did a sign stating that we were in a helicopter give you any idea of how to find SETAC?"

"It's really quite simple," the Captain replied. "With the response they gave me I KNEW that had to be the Microsoft building because...just like their help lines...though the answer was technically correct, it was completely useless."

[SilverHamer]

What do retired people do all day

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went down town and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

[SilverHamer]

Keep in mind that we aren't getting any younger...uuggghhh.


Older Folks 1

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


Older Folks 2

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just peed my diaper."


Older Folks 3

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"


Older Folks 4

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."



Older Folks 5

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast ?"


Older folks 6

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

"So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"


Older Folks 7

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."



Older Folks 8

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."


Older Folks 9

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."



Older Folks 10

As I was pumping gas into my car at the local convenience store the other day, an elderly man came out of the store on his way back to his car which was parked on the opposite side of the refueling island from mine. He was walking out with a big smile on his face, and he would stop about every 10 steps and gaze around with a big smile on his face. I thought this looked a bit odd, and it must have shown on my facial expression because when he came near to me he said, "I just got a new hearing aid today and I am hearing things I haven't heard for over 20 years...you know like the wind blowing and the leaves rustling, the birds singing..I think this must be the best darned hearing aid they've ever made!"

"Oh really? What kind is it," I asked.

The old guy looked at me with a puzzled look on his face for a short moment, then began smiling again and looked at his watch and replied, "It's 4:15."


IT SUCKS GETTING OLD....