For Your Funny Bone

[SilverHamer]

I hope nobody here will be offended with a lawyer joke. Actually THIS is not a joke at all, but is funny as hell. These comments are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. It's worth reading to the end!

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________ ______ _______________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________ ___________ ______

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
School did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_______ _____________ ________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


And now for one which a military attorney told me while we were camping out in the same tent somewhere in the Iraqi desert in 1991...

Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep that foreskin from popping up over their heads in public.

Hope you all are having a great day.

LC

[Tracy]

LOL Larry! I was sitting here giggling as I read that! Great stuff

:lol:

[SilverHamer]

HAHAHAHAHA!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/LarryC/MaccaPics/AR_MomentLater.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v477/devilsadv/sunday61.gif


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/LarryC/MaccaPics/Lego_Beatles_ARD.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/LarryC/MaccaPics/SesameRoad.jpg

On a sad note, Oscar was canned...

[MarkE]

I love this stuff....and I always love a good lawyer joke.

Here one to get you thinking...
I was sitting in the hair salon tonight waiting for my wife. I was really bored so I was trying to think of funny names for rock bands. I wasnt very creative. All I could come up with so far is...

Kornholes
The Cosmic Clusterfuks
Dinglecherries

Im such a kid

I really love the abbey road stuff :)

[babayaga]

Ditto.... love the LEGO figures!

[MarkE]

These are from my Father in Law....


How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your you know where?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?


and one from me....

Why is it that one parks on a driveway and drives on the parkway?

[Tracy]

And why are they called 'apartments' when they're all bunched together?

[SilverHamer]

...and why is it that you are IN a taxi, but ON an airplane or a bus?

And since the Lego Beatles were such a big hit, here are some more:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/LarryC/MaccaPics/Lego_Beatles_WTB.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/LarryC/MaccaPics/Lego_Beatles_HDN.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/LarryC/MaccaPics/Lego_Beatles_RS.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/LarryC/MaccaPics/Lego_Beatles_RV.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/LarryC/MaccaPics/Lego_Beatles_SP.jpg

[Tracy]

A few more...

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How can there be "self help GROUPS"?

[SilverHamer]

Here are a couple of Windows applications that just can't get it together...it's a shame because I could really use something like the first one sometimes...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/LarryC/humor/giveadamn.gif


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/LarryC/humor/downloadwww.gif

[SilverHamer]

RESUME:

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it...so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, I tried to be a Chef...figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

6. I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have enough patience.

9. Next was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian...until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB. Man do I enjoy it!

;D

[SilverHamer]

THE PREACHER'S SON

An old southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son named David (AKA Rosebud) and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whisky and
- a Playboy magazine

I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK, But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a helicopter pilot!"

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/LarryC/Hawk%20Studio%20Forum/larrybymbb105b.gifhttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/LarryC/Hawk%20Studio%20Forum/LCFlying.gifhttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/LarryC/Hawk%20Studio%20Forum/Larry206.gif

:lol: :P :D :P :lol: :P :D :P :lol: :P :D :P :lol: :P :D

[Tracy]

LOL! :lol:

Loved the pics!

[SilverHamer]

HAHAHA...you guys need to try this, it will crack you the hell up!!

1. go to www.google.com
2. click on "maps"
3. click on "get directions"
4. type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box near the top of the page)
5. type "London" in the second box (the "to" box to the right of the "from" box)
6. click "get directions"
7. scroll down to and read step #24 in the directions


I received these instructions from a friend via email today...too damn funny.

And after you've gotten over that one...go here and play with the singing horses!

http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.swf

I recommend you start on the left, click on the first horse...then the rest in succession, but you'll have to sort of tinker around with the timing because the horses don't start singing the moment you click...you have to count to yourself...1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and...and click on the "and"...

Aaahhh the things we do when we're bored, eh? LOL.

[Jack In The Green]

Hehe, just had to show you my cactus...he once was a tiny little one, but he had a dream....and it seems as if this dream finally has come true. :-)

He's my favourite. :roll:

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t307/Jackinart/100-0001_IMG_2-1.jpg

[SilverHamer]

Hehe, just had to show you my cactus...he once was a tiny little one, but he had a dream....and it seems as if this dream finally has come true. :-)

He's my favourite. :roll:

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t307/Jackinart/100-0001_IMG_2-1.jpg

Seems your cactus has developed quite a "sticker" there, Jake...

:lol:

[Jack In The Green]

And you can see he's proud of it. 8)

[SilverHamer]

Here's another good blonde joke in comicbook form...sorry if this is too crass for some people but I think it's funny as hell....

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/LarryC/Hawk%20Studio%20Forum/bs01.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/LarryC/Hawk%20Studio%20Forum/bs02.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/LarryC/Hawk%20Studio%20Forum/bs03.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v354/LarryC/Hawk%20Studio%20Forum/bs04.jpg

[SilverHamer]

YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID (This is almost Darwin Awards Material)



EIGTH PLACE:

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.


SEVENTH PLACE:

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.


SIXTH PLACE:

Buxton, NC : A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA , but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.


FIFTH PLACE:

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc , as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had pl aced in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.


FOURTH PLACE:

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del , as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

As Ron White often says: " You can't fix stupid." These people prove it is a terminal condition. As always, competition this year has been pretty stiff.


THIRD PLACE:(My personal favorite!)

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms; A gun shop specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also drew and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.


HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.


RUNNER UP:

TACOMA, WA . Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.

Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.


AND THE WINNER...

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged- up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... "Shit happens."


YOU JUST CAN'T FIX STUPID...